Love Is Sacrificial

For the past six weeks, Kathryn and I have been hosting a small group in our home.  Every Wednesday at 7pm we'd meet with some of our neighbors and some members from our church to get a deeper understanding of what the Bible has to say about love.  There was a DVD lesson from Rick Warren each week in a series called "40 Days of Love."  We also had a daily devotional book to accompany the teaching called "The Relationship Principles of Jesus."  While on this journey something happened to me that has impacted my walk with the Father and my marriage.

Kathryn and I have been married three years, and as much as I hate to admit it, we have not spent much time seeking God together.  In my mind I can go back and pinpoint times where we ripped down every wall around our hearts and leaned intently on the Lord for answers.  But they are few and far between.  Those times where we sought God together in one spirit, in one mind, and in one body are as precious to me as diamonds.  I hold them close to my heart, and I yearn for that to be a daily experience.  A couple of weeks ago on Friday November the twelfth, God showed up in our lives and I experienced a "gemstone" once again.

On the preceding Monday Kat and I did a devotional.  We read this devotion book we got as a present for our wedding an we sang some of our favorite worship songs.  It was truly an amazing night.  The next day I began to feel a pain in my throat when I swallowed.  I had no pain in the throat initially, but when I swallowed it really hurt.  I thought I had something wrong with my tonsils.  Well the next day it got worse.  I began to have aches all over my body.  I was extremely sensitive.  If I would be touched just slightly all my senses would go to that place on my skin where I was touched. I was hypersensitive.  In addition to that my throat started to hurt all the time, not just when I swallowed.  Wednesday rolled around and I wasn't feeling any better.  I took a nap before the 7pm 40 Days of Love meeting and survived it.  Thursday rolled around and I had a huge project due.  I was preaching in the Springs Church for my final project for Dr. Beatty.  It couldn't have been worse timing.  My throat felt horrible and I had to speak.  I was able to deliver my message and then passed out on my bed for the next five hours.  I woke up and prayed.  I wasn't bitter at God, I was disappointed though.  I really wanted to present my message well for the class and the professor.  I wondered why I couldn't have gotten sick a week earlier, or the week after.  So I prayed for God to show me what he wanted to show me during the time of suffering.  Instead of being angry at God for my sickness, I prayed that he would reveal to me what he was doing.  The Holy Spirit would reveal the answer to me the very next night.

I had a routine going for my Relationship Principles of Jesus devotional readings.  For the most part I liked to do them early in the day so I could have the whole day to reflect on them.  It was day 37 in the book, but this day I let other things get my attention and put my devotion on the back burner.  When it was about 6pm I had just cracked my book open and as I was about to begin my time with God, Kat came to me and said, "Are we going to do our devotion?"  Everything in me did not want to do it with her.  I wanted to read my devotion all day long, and now Kat wanted me to spend some time with her.  I felt the unmistakable leading of the Holy Spirit. "Close the book" were the words that echoed in my spirit.  I knew what God was calling me to do, sacrifice my time for my wife.  In my pain I wanted to sit there and read the short devotion, maybe do some homework and get to bed, I was sick!  But God was leading me to give to my wife.  Before I even read the heading of the chapter in the book I closed it and laid in my wife's lap.  I was going to obey, but I wasn't going to over exert myself.  So I told Kat it'd be better for her to read, and I could listen and rest in her lap.  She began to read and I was just enjoying not having to read listening silently.  She got to this part at the end that said, "As you read Hebrews 11 discuss..."  Some how I was convinced the book said "if you want to read Hebrews 11 then discuss..."  As she turned to Hebrews 11 I was telling her, "That's a long chapter, we don't have to read it.  In fact I already read it this semester.  I did a short sermon on Samson and he's in this chapter, we can just skip the reading of this."  She was heartbroken.  As I had waited all day to read my devotion, she had been waiting for me to have some time to do our devotion together.  When I tried to blow her off she was hurt and was about to leave.  I noticed how hurt she was and insisted she read it and that I honestly wanted to hear it.  She sat back down and I assumed my listening position on her lap again.  As she began to read Hebrews 11, (http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=heb%2011&version=NIV) I began to shudder before God.  When she got to the part about Enoch being taken and not experiencing death because of his faith, I lost it.  I wept.  The Bible says it is impossible to please God without faith.  I was wavering in my faith in him.  But Enoch, a man with such great faith was taken from this life, not even experiencing death, because of his faith.  What an example to live by.  To walk in faith.  It was exactly the word from God I needed, at exactly the right time.  Had I passed up the leading of the Holy Spirit this would have passed me.  And mind you I wasn't going out and getting drunk or smoking.  I was about to read a devotional!  But I do believe that if I would have done what I wanted to do, instead of what God wanted. I would have been out of the Father's will for my life reading a devotional book.

       

After God answered my prayer, "Show me what you're trying to show me during this suffering."  I shared it with Kat.  I told her that I believed the Holy Spirit had answered my prayer in the reading of the scripture and that God wanted me to walk away with a stronger faith in Him because my faith had been wavering.  She shared with me that the devotion was very helpful for her as well because she was having a similar issue with faith.  We sat there with our hearts bare before God, just being honest with our feelings.  Getting those tears out, letting God handle our problems, letting Him bear the load.  When I finally did sit down to read the devotion I had waited all day to read the chapter was titled, "Love Is Sacrificial."  I was thinking to myself, "I couldn't read a book about loving others for 36 days and not respond when I had an opportunity to love on my wife by sacrificing some time for her, even when it wasn't convenient for me."  It was so appropriate for me to read that chapter after the experience with my wife.  I was happy I passed the test.

1 Pet 5:8 (http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20pet%205:8&version=NIV) warns about the devil seeking to devour us like a lion.  The next morning the enemy came strong to devour what God had done in our lives the night before.  Like a lion eats and leaves nothing but bare bones, the devil wanted to strip the progress we made for Jesus from our bodies and leave us as nothing.  Kat and I fought over something trivial and she used me not wanting to do the devotion as ammunition against me.  I knew right where the attack was coming from.  Of course I didn't want to do the devotion but she and I both knew what had happened as a result of the time we spent together, we drew closer to God.  I knew that this was an attack from the devil because who else would try to get me to doubt what God did?  We made up but this definitely set us back.  Why such a set back after such a victory the night before?  I don't understand how God works but I find comfort in the passages from Philippians in verse 29, "For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in him, but also to suffer for him."  And also Rom 5:3b, "because we know that suffering produces perseverance."     

I wrote this post as an encouragement to those who are struggling with faith in God.  It's so easy to trust God when he's meeting all of your needs.  But true discipleship is measure by how you respond when your chips are down.  It's measured by when you're not feeling the Holy Spirit.  How do you respond to opposition of the furtherance of the kingdom of God in your life?  Will you become bitter and blame God, or will you gladly accept suffering and seek the lesson God is trying to teach you?  Stand firm on the Word of God that says the suffering produces perseverance.  I want to leave you with something my Dad told me that I've never forgotten. "If you were always on the mountaintop, you wouldn't appreciate it."  Basically he was saying you can't be on cloud nine with God all the time.  Unless you go through some valleys you'll never fully appreciate the summit with God.     

         

The Battle for Souls in an F-150 and La Modelo Prison

When my son Nolan was three months old I led my first person to Jesus.  Her name was Kathryn Collins and we have now been married three years.  I had been struggling with anger, hatred, and bitterness toward people who had wronged me in the past, so Kat and I left Nolan sleeping in his bassinet with my Dad at his house and took off at three a.m. in the morning to joy ride and pray for healing.  I was desperately seeking God's deliverance, but every time the evil was about to leave, I held on to it.  It was as if I wasn't ready to let go of that demonic spirit that was controlling my thoughts.  In my mind I wanted to be healed but my heart wasn't turned to God.

I was praying fervently.  The 1993 white F-150 was filled with the Holy Spirit as it powered through the early morning darkness.  The presence of God was so thick that it was like the air was heavier.  I was praying in the Holy Spirit (tongues) and God was communicating with me.  I felt urged to pray this prayer, "God I give you my mind, my body, and my soul."  I looked over at my girlfriend who was clearly puzzled about what was going on.  Even though she told me she was a Christian, she'd never had an encounter with Christ before (she couldn't remember a time when Jesus came to her and she made a decision to follow him) so I wondered if she was saved.  Well when I looked over I told her to pray the prayer with me, I mean she should have no problem right?  She's a Christian.  I said, "Lord I give you my mind, my body, and my soul."  She said, "I give you my mind and my body."  I said, "Kat that's not the whole thing, you forgot to say soul."  I then repeated what to say and asked her to pray with me.  She said, "No!"  I was startled when I heard this.  I thought what's the big deal?  So I just ignored it and kept driving, and praying.  Well about thirty seconds later Kat began to weep bitterly.  I pulled  the truck over, got out, opened the door, hugged my future wife, and said these words, "Welcome to the kingdom of God."  My wife never looked the same after that night.  She has a sparkle in her eye now.  She has the presence of Jesus in her mind, body, and soul.  That night had nothing to do with me, or with what she prayed.  In fact she didn't pray!  God came and revealed himself to her in that truck, in the silence after she refused to pray the prayer I asked her to, she responded to the God who called her name and invited her into the kingdom.  You see no man can save anyone.  Only God.  The Father had allowed me the privilege to be there when my future wife surrendered her life to Christ, little did I know that in Nicaragua three years later God had two more souls waiting to be added to the Lamb's Book of Life, and I had a direct role to play in them.

God delivered me from marijuana, Bi-Polar, tobacco, porn, and anger, pretty rapidly and then he called me to minister for Him.  But in the Fall of 2009 my life was in shambles.  I had been clean from tobacco and porn for two years, marijuana for three years, and then I had doubt about my call and what God is (I got the faith kicked out of me).  I started smoking cigs and looking at pornography.  I didn't smoke weed but I just about spit on what God had done for me by succumbing to the lust of the eye (porn), and lust of the flesh (cigs in my lungs).

My Dad wanted me to go to Nicaragua with him and the church.  He said he'd pay the whole way.  I reluctantly agreed because I didn't want to miss to much school.  I made a promise to God (which I've kept) that I would not smoke cigs, drink wine-coolers, and look at porn on Dec 23rd 2009.  The oath to God entailed letting my hair grow for one year.  And if I was to sin, it would all come off!  The trip was in the first couple of weeks in Jan (around the time we celebrate MLK's b-day).  I did not pray if I should go, but I know now that God has a plan.  Even though I didn't know what I was getting into, God did.  He orchestrated the whole thing...I walked into a God trap!  

When I got there I still had a stony heart.  But around day three God opened my stony heart to Him.  The way it happened was amazing.  Our bus broke down and there was this guy by the road.  He was under a street light reading the Bible.  We would later find out that he had been coming there every night reading the Bible for three hours under this street light.  Well the bus broke down and some member of the team went to talk to him.  The guy accepts Christ and it turns out he's a mechanic!  He comes and helps with the bus and we get back on the road.  The amazing thing about this story is that it was like we lived out a Bible story in modern times.   http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Acts%208:26-40&version=NIV.  In this story in Acts a eunuch is reading the scripture when Philip asks him, "Do you understand what you're reading."  The man says, "How can I unless someone explains it to me."  This is what happened to this man in Nicaragua.  He was seeking God and only needed someone to tell him about God.

My problem at this point was my heart.  Everyone was praising God for the salvation and I felt bitter.  Why couldn't God use me to get someone saved?  I've only been given this honor once by God.  Why is stuff happening around me but not through me?  Everyone got back on the bus and I told my friend from Nicaragua about how I felt.  He is so funny, he said, "Turn your heart to God."  I was like, "How do I do that?"  He was telling me to open my heart to God and let Him in.  At this point God really started to move in me.  When we went to the prison (which would be the ultimate battle for souls, the culmination of preparation all week), I was ready.

Here is a video clip of my testimony in Palanca.

If you've ever seen Lock-Up Raw on MSNBC you'll know what I'm talking about...sort-of.  On these documentaries they usually take us into the prisons in America.  They show about the gangs and the way of life in a prison.  Rarely do they show a third world prison in which there are thirty guards for 2,000 prisoners.  And half of the guards are in watch towers, such was the prison I would be in.  At any point the prison could be over thrown by the shear number differential of guards to inmates.  Needless to say it was kind of scary.  When we were pulling up to the prison, I was genuinely scared.  But as we passed the fence into the inner ground I had an immense peace.  God gave me peace and it was strange.  I should have been on guard, but I was at peace.  The medical team set up shop in the clinic, the dentists set up, and we had the women set up to give the medicine after the doctors evaluated the patients.  In the atmosphere there was a presence above our heads.  If I could describe it any way it would be in the form of horses of two opposing forces.  Imagine the Holy Spirit as the dust kicked up by the horses when the horses fling the dust up in the air charging at the enemy.  That was the feeling of the Spirit in the place.  And by the way, Jesus' army was winning!

La Modelo Prison Nicaragua

As the prisoners were going in to see the doctors we had prayer lines on each side praying over the people before they saw the doctor.  Five of us came together and set out to do it orderly.  We designated who would pray.  I was to be the third person to lead the prayer, so the third guy in the line was my guy.  Naturally I looked to see who I was going to be praying for.  The first guy was huge.  A typical prisoner with huge muscles and a wife beater tank top (wow what a testimony I thought, what would it be like if this "thug" came to Christ, what witness of who God is, He calls anybody).  The second guy was equally intimidating.  But the third guy was like twenty to thirty years older than me.  He came up to my shoulders.  He had long black hair.  It was like grandpa over there.  I wanted to pray for the thugs, for the great "testimony."  But God had other plans.  The other men before him were prayed for and they just wanted prayer for their families, no biggie.  We prayed over their families.  So it was my turn now.  I asked him his name in Spanish, he said Alejandro.  I then began to use the interpreter because I don't know Spanish.  I asked, "Do you know who Jesus is."  He said, "Yes."  I assumed he was saved and asked, "Is there anything I can pray for you about?"  He said, "I want to pray to receive Jesus in my heart right now."  I was stunned.  This guy told me he knew who Jesus was, but it didn't click with me that just because he knew who he was, that didn't necessarily mean he was saved.  I prayed the most simple and Spirit-led prayer in my life, "God I thank you for my brother Alejandro, I love him, You love him, I pray you put Your Holy Spirit in him right now."  And at that moment with my eye's closed I felt in my spirit the Holy Spirit coming down into the room and resting in the man I was praying for right where my hand was on his heart.  The man was was crying, the interpreter and I were crying, it was amazing how God moved.

We ate lunch.  And then came the time I had been looking forward to since we got there.  We were going to the cell block to hand out medical kits.  My Dad had told me he was going to try to get me on that team and he did.  We set out with hundred of bags loaded in suitcases deep inside the prison.  When we reached the cell block the prisoners were in their cells.  Sometimes there were over five men in a cell made for two in the United States.  But the crazy thing was that the prisoners could at any point simply lift the door off the hinges and come out of their cells.  Some doors locked, but some didn't.  The prisoners knew it was better to stay in the cell than to get punished for not following orders.  Well they directed all of the "good" prisoners into bathroom/shower area.  A few team leaders preached to these prisoners and many were touched and gave their lives to Jesus.  It was so great to see the hardcore guys crying out for God because of the sin that separated them from God.  In the end many would walk away unchanged, but the few who received Jesus' forgiveness of sin were forever changed.  We handed out the medical kits and left.  As we were leaving the interpreter I told you about earlier saw one of his friends in the prison and threw him an extra medial kit, this almost started a riot because all the other prisoners only got one kit.  We left and headed for the bus.  That night we slept at the missionary camp and we came back to Atlanta the next day.

I shared this story because ultimately God is the one who draws people unto Himself.  We are just the hands and feet.  If we attempt to make it all about me and "my" ministry we will be met with defeat, bitterness, and jealously because nothing will happen.  God has allowed me the joy of being there while leading people to Christ, but He is to receive the credit.  I really hope God has called me to missions because this trip touched me so much.  I love you all who are reading, and keep the hungry/thirsty/strangers/unclothed/sick/imprisoned on your mind.  I leave you with this scripture http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+25:31-46&version=NIV.

Felix (on the far right) actually accepted Christ on this trip

Me tossing Jose Francisco in a stream

Me tossing Eddie

Edgard, the interpreter present with Alejandro and I (also my best friend down there).

        

God's Giant Vacuum

I always wondered, "What if God had a huge vacuum cleaner and sucked up all the money laying on the streets, how much money would he have?"

A few weeks ago God started dealing with me about some movies that I had that were coming between God and I.  At first it took me a long time to get rid of them, but I eventually obeyed (partially).  I had held out on the most expensive movies because of the money I'd spent on them.  The other movies were tough to get rid of, but I got rid of them. With these movies I kind of ignored that I heard God speak to me about them, but a few days later God brought it up again when I was journaling.  When he brought it up again, unable to ignore God again, I had an Old Testament burnt offering in the backyard.  Even though I was in the middle of God's will, I felt like someone had hit my heart with a sledge hammer.  It didn't feel good doing the right thing.  I had no idea what God was preparing me for the next morning.

It was a Tuesday and I hopped on my bike to take my son Nolan to school.  As I pedaled off in the cool air with the beautiful sun poking out over the hills I noticed some money lying on the road.  I stopped and picked it up.  I thought to myself, "Should I go to this person's house to see if they lost some money (because it was in someone's yard about three inches from the road)?  I just hopped on my bike and took my son to school, I was going to come back and ask later because I didn't want to be late for my eight a.m. class.  I called my Dad and asked him what I should do, he told me there was no way to know who's money that was, it could have blown in the wind and rested in that yard.  So I thought I was so lucky, God had given me some money because of my obedience to him when I burned the movies, right...?  Wrong.  I told my friend about the whole incident and he stated, "You should pray to God and ask Him what he wants you to do with the money."  Huh, that thought had never crossed my mind.  Maybe God had a use for this money.  I went home and did the dishes (inspired by the Holy Spirit, He wanted me to bless my wife).  I shot up a quick prayer in my mind and God spoke immediately.  He said, "I want you to give it in convocation."  Okay so now I knew where he wanted it, but I was thinking to myself, "I have brought money to convocation every week and never been able to give it, if they don't take up the offering this week I'm going to have to find someone to give it to, I don't even know who's in charge of that."  We when I got to convocation minutes later all I heard was this worship in a different tongue.  I immediately knew that it was missions day and they would take an offering.  I was relieved, I finally had a grasp on what God wanted to do with this money.  The cool thing was that because I had set money aside for convocation every week and they never took it up, this was the first day that I didn't set aside money for offering, I was so sure they weren't going to take it up.  So when God provided this money it left me my School of Christian Ministries Chapel offering still intact for Thursday.
 
Thursday as I was riding my bike I saw this homeless man (like I do every morning) and God spoke to me about the money in my wallet, "Give him the money."  I said this can't be God, he provided me the money for convocation so that this money could be devoted to SCM chapel.  This is clearly the devil trying to take God's money.  So I took my son and put him on the bus.  As I was riding the bike back to school for class I saw him again.  I heard the Lord and I stopped, laid my bike down, and dashed for the elderly gentleman.  I placed the money in his hands and hugged him, I told him, "God wanted me to bless you with this."  I got back on my bike and as I peddled I began to break down in tears, I knew I was in God's will.  After I got back from class God reminded me of some money stashed in the car that I could give in chapel.  I would find out later that even though I gave less that I'd planned, the offering was the largest the SCM had ever received.  God got the glory, not me for giving.

I wrote this to share with you about how God is working in my life on the issue of money and obedience.  Instead of hoarding what God has given me, I'm trying to be a channel so that the blessing flows through me.  God is not going to keep blessing someone if they just hold it all to themselves.  My pastor talked about two types of people onetime, givers and takers.  The givers walk around happy and fulfilled because they realize their purpose is to give.  The takers walk around mad and unfulfilled because they think everything is about them, and the world owes them something.  I have one question for you.  Are you a giver or are you a taker...